Lose the rat

In case you haven’t seen yet, there is a loser named Adam Sacks who has decided he need to change the end of the 2006 movie “The Departed” You know, the 5 second clip at the end where a rat walks across the railing, because Matt Damon was a rat. And of course he wants your money to do it.

If you’ve seen The Departed, you know it’s a great Scorsese film. The movie follows a Boston gang member and a Massachusetts police officer who both go undercover to undermine the other’s organization, and things get complicated when both groups realize they have a rat in their midst. The script is phenomenal, and the actors give it their all, clearly excited to be in a Scorsese gangster movie.

Unfortunately The Departed has one huge problem. The movie ends with the painfully on the nose metaphor of an ACTUAL RAT crawling across screen. “

“It’s always bothered me that a movie as good as The Departed has such a cheesy ending, and I recently realized it could be fixed by digitally erasing the rat from the last shot.

But digital effects are not cheap, which is why I’m here on Kickstarter trying to raise $4,000 dollars. $4,000 dollars may sound like a lot of money, so let me break down the costs for each of the nine steps in this process.”

Oh please. I don’t know what is dumber. Altering 5 second of a movie ending or giving money to this guy. But do explain your needs.

Step 1: I need $18.91 to buy a Blu-ray of The Departed. I could probably find it on BitTorrent, but I think it’s important to support the filmmakers and studio, and not break the law.

Seriously, you don’t even have $19 to buy the damn movie? Would you like a few bucks for popcorn too? Lets put you on Tinder and see if we can get a real girl to watch it with you.

Ok, forget that idea. Next.

Step 2: I need $141.54 to buy a Blu-ray player because these days I only stream movies online.

Really, of course new and top of the line, nothing but the best. But since I’m a nice guy, I’ll save you a few bucks.

$120 save right there, your welcome.

Step 3: I’ve never ripped a Blu-ray before, and a quick Google search led me to the website for Acrok Video Converter Ultimate, which costs $59 and apparently “tops the list of best Blu-ray ripper software 2019 for that it provides the most timely and comprehensive Blu-ray ripping solution to movie lovers.”

Real movie lovers don’t ask for money to change the movies.

Step 4: I need $599 to hire Ed Mundy, a visual effects artist who has worked on many popular TV shows and movies, to digitally erase the rat from the final shot. I’m paying Ed $599 dollars, because if you pay someone $600 dollars or more, the IRS requires you to send them a 1099 MISC form at the end of the year, and that’s too much work for me.

You could just shut the movie off when you see the state house, but that would be to easy. But just to help you out, let me know when you hire Ed Mundy, I’ll send him $2 in your name just to put it over $600.

No, it will happen Ed !

Step 5: Because my end goal is to make this rat-less version of The Departed the official version of the film, and because Scorsese shot The Departed on film, I need $414.59 to print the digital file onto 35mm film (Actually I need £318 because a British company was the only place that responded to my request).

Oh good, you are sharing your stupidity with England now. I’m sure they are having a jolly old time laughing at you.

Step 6: Since I have no way of viewing 35mm film, I need $169.92 to scan the film print and convert it to a digital file so I can view it myself.

God forbid you can’t watch your masterpiece.

Step 7: I need $57.69 to pay for a one month subscription to the Adobe Creative Cloud Suite. This will allow me to edit the digital scan of the 35mm film print of the rat-less digital file into the end of The Departed. Adobe does offer a free 7 day trial of their suite, but I’ve already used that to make this Kickstarter video.

Step 8: I need $38.31 to buy a 50-pack of blank Blu-ray discs, and $2.71 to buy a black Sharpie marker so that I can burn 50 Blu-ray copies of my improved version of The Departed and properly label them.

You want us to kick in some food and bus fare? $3 for a marker, seriously?

Step 9: I need $375 dollars to hire an intern to burn 50 Blu-ray copies of the definitive version of The Departed. Many companies don’t pay their interns, which I’ve always thought was a shameful practice, so I’m committed to paying my intern $15/hr and figure it will take about 25 hours to complete the task.

Of course you need an intern, every great director needs an assistant.

The best part is what Adam will give you if you donate.

I’ll save my money and watch the rat. Adam I would strongly suggest you use the money to buy yourself a life.

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